I remember the first time I heard the lyrics.

“Catch me up in your story. All my life for your glory.”

Those words from “All Is For Your Glory” by Cory Asbury spoke to this writer’s heart immediately, and I said, “YES! We must sing this song every Sunday!”

I came home and because I have a tendency to latch on to something, get excited, and decide to immediately be all in, I wrote that line on our chalkboard wall feeling very Christian Advanced. I wanted people to ask me about it, so I could explain that I was publicly declaring that God could sweep me up and place me in His plan wherever he’d like because I’m easy like that. Up for anything.

That line was erased from my chalkboard wall before a single person ever asked me about it and thank goodness, because my answer to them would’ve been a big pile of nonsense. Why? I’m a much bigger fan of stories where I’m the Author versus ones where I’m forced be a character.

If I’m the Author, I get to decide how prominently I’m displayed. Am I the main character driving everything from beginning to end or the random extra who lurks in the background with seemingly little influence? Depending on the scenario, I’m comfortable with both, but when I write the story, I get to choose.

I want to decide how big my voice is and what my message should be. I’d also like the option to be vocal about my faith in chapter one and keep it to myself in chapter ten. In all cases, I’d much prefer to be the narrator of my story. After all, no one knows what’s best for me better than me, right? If I’m the Author, I get to decide if I’m writing an all out autobiography revealing all of who I am or a piece of fiction that shows those same people the version of myself I prefer for them to see. I can write myself as complex or as one dimensional as I please.

Those lyrics are beautiful to sing. They are everything I should say and yet nothing I really want to say because I doubt if I’m ready for what they mean – Anywhere. Anytime. Whatever the cost. It’s like signing up for a job with no job description, salary expectations, or understanding of time commitment. Who in their right mind would ever agree to that?

I’ve journaled about this a great deal and tried to bargain with God on a few versions of what getting caught up in His story really looks like.

“Can I read the story from start to finish first just to make sure I’m cool with everything? Maybe make a few edits here and there if I feel like you’ve gotten it wrong? Fine. Just guarantee it’ll be easy. That’s not asking too much, right?”

The answer has yet to be yes to any of these scenarios. So instead, I’m far from caught up in the story. As a matter of fact, at times, I’m running in the opposite direction afraid of the inevitable plot twists and turns.

I still love the song and the idea behind the lyrics, and I’ll sing it every time I hear it, but in the spirit of keeping it real, I’ll temper my excitement. Instead of a full on belting out of the words with arms outstretched and eyes closed lost in the moment of how awesome I am to say those words to God, I’ll search myself for what I really mean when I say them. I’ll pray for just a little bit more honesty when they leave my mouth, and I’ll promise Him that I won’t stop trying to get to a place of comfort in His writing of the story if He promises to keep dropping me in it.